Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Letter



Dear Jetstar, 

Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday. 

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him. 

funny airline complaint

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories. 

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn’t catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, “hehehe, they’re for crew only, hehehe“. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment. 

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both “crew only” rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky. 

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn’t that exactly the same as having someone who can’t control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that’s why I’m demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat. 

I’m also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I’m yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don’t recover completely, I’ll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay. 
No regards,John Keeler

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Big, the deep and the cheap!

The last few days have been very exciting for my online self. Lots of gossip, controversies, pseudo  online stands for the right causes and what not! 

This all started when The Times Of India (TOI) published Ms. Deepika Padukone's picture showing-off her cleavage. 

Well, publishing Masala to boost sales, is a practice sadly adopted by almost all media houses. Sadder is the fact that it has worked for all of them. I could write and be noble about discouraging media houses from these practices but the sole reason this kind of non-sense exist is us, the consumers. So, I don't intend to be the social police in this blog. 

Deepika says she is pissed because the world sees women as objects, which is wrong and hurtful. 

But where is this objectification coming from? Ever heard of an ITEM number? Who is the ITEM in that number? 

This all boils down to what people want to see! Item numbers, bikini scenes, kisses and smooches! Imran Hashmis, Sheelas and Munnis did not exist a few years back, but they do now and everyone including the celebs are accepting it, willfully catering us!

If a celebrity takes a strong stand against objectification of women, shouldn't the stand be a 360 degree phenomenon or just where it would suit the celeb? 

I completely understand that looking at her own self in the newspaper with a raunchy title would have made her feel disgusted of the publisher. But lets take this a little slower and more logically. Objectifying a person is wrong in so many ways, but haven't these celebs accepted it as per their audience's requirements? A very strong argument is that the Role demanded that kind of exposure. Think about it, why do all the roles demand exposure these days? Why weren't the parts offered a few years ago, so demanding? 

Actually, you can't even say the Script demanded the Item Number! Yeah right! The script did demand it cause the script sucked and you needed people in the theaters! 

Remember Dum Maaro Dum, potty pe baithe nanga and what not... Deepika had no Role in the movie, just that item number flaunting her long sweet legs and the same cleavage... But that isn't objectifying when she has agreed to do it, yeah? 

So isn't the anger misplaced? TOI is not really objectifying women, TOI is only cashing the fact that women already are! And why just women, SRK's 6-packs or John's bums too! 

I wouldn't even say TOI is encouraging it, because its a business which demands profits, which means whatever sells has to be in it! But how does TOI confirm that this kind of pics would increase its sales? Maybe some Chikni Chameeli told them. Or maybe they read how J Lo insured her thighs! Oh, what assets! (aaaa... asset = object, no?) 

But anyhow, passing a judgement on a media house categorizing them as the ones objectifying women would be a tad bit incorrect. 

We would need to accept the kind of world we have created. We buy it, that's why it sells. And, someone is producing it too! So no-one is completely in the white here! 

Everyone who stands by Deepika in this, should stop promoting such stuff, don't go and watch Bang Bang, cause Hrithik has flaunted like crazy in the movie and stop hanging those topless John Abrahms in your rooms! Run away, lock yourself up in a pseudo world and throw away the keys somewhere deep!

If you choose to stand against something so evident and obvious, it has to be a stronger stand than a sweet noble speech in favor of women on your blog. 

I am a marketer and I understand TOI's point of view. Being human, I can sympathize with Deepika and her anger but can't ignore the contributions made by her and the likes of her in this!

I mean, Deepika carries an item number, but when TOI plays it, it gets cheap. Sorry, beyond me!

Not troubling myself with this complexities of the glamour world, I'd rather just enjoy the view from far far away! :)

Monday, September 15, 2014

55 to go!

Q. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Teacher/Pilot

As kids we were fascinated by either our teachers or birds! Either we heard the teacher or the birds chirping outside. It was so simple, so sorted. Before greed, before jealousy, before competition introduced themselves and polluted all the gentle minds we used to be. 

In today's rat race, we've grown so materialistically blind that we've forgotten the purpose of the race and are just focused on winning it. We might have forgotten where we need to reach in the end, but we are fully aware of who all we need to leave behind. Who started out to be like their warm smiling teacher or the carefree bird, have turned 'successful' managers, investment bankers and what not! 

When I was a boy, I always wished years would turn to seconds and I'd be all grown up. As time took its course; on every birthday, watching old pictures, videos, I kept missing the phases I had lived. 

I turned 25 last April. Yaay! 
Which means, I've spent 25 glorious years on this planet, out of which 15 years I was being taught how to live in this world (Also known as being schooled). The next 6 years I was being taught how to earn/compete/succeed in this world (Engineering + MBA). And for the last 3 years, I've joined the race with gazillions like me around the globe to a 9-5 job waiting for drunk weekends/getaways and for the 1st of every month, so I have more money to burn! 

And it seems to remain the same for the part of my life I'm yet to experience, with added responsibilities and bla bla! 

SO when I finally, hopefully, turn 80, what do I get out of all of this? All my time here on this planet would end up being a glorified rat race in which I kept running until my body gave away? 

Why do we celebrate the time we have spent already? Shouldn't we celebrate the time we have left? Wouldn't it drive us to be more cheerful, more driven, more human?

I know its all very fancy to write this on a blog but, I am not suggesting to revolutionize the world or to make it spin the other way round. All I suggest is a different perspective to look at life.

Lets say, last April I had '55 years left' of my life. 
I somehow feel a charge when I hear that. I got so much to do! So much to laugh, so much to explore, so much to travel, so much to live... 

Lets make it a long cheerful drive and not a crazy race! :) 

I'd close at that thought... Lets get out, away from this closed room and not waste time punching this piece of plastic! :) Care to Join me?

Friday, July 25, 2014


Date:    1st July, 2014
Place:   Indira Gandhi International Airport, New Delhi
Who:    ME!!! 

YESSS, I have moved to Delhi!!! 
Bidding adieu to Bangalore wasn't easy; had such great memories from the place, nevertheless, the way forward looked very attractive! Having done my Post Graduation from NCR, its a delight to come back to Delhi. Delhi has a large chunk of my family, friends, cousins and the humid polluted air gives a familiar sense of  warmth. Such bliss! 

No, I haven't quit my job, its a transfer... Phew!

I have realized the most difficult part of relocating is finding a place to stay! My company was kind enough to offer a guest house as temporary accommodation till I find my place in the city. So, the problem was pushed a few weeks and I was saved from the company of 78 million fellow citizens in India who sleep on the footpath. 

The search starts with a thousand considerations like, how far is the place from office? how far is the market place? how far is the Wine Shop? etc etc.. 
5 consecutive days I went house hunting in areas nearby CP, where my office is located, dreaming of a tall super fine flat with a balcony and a porch near the window pane where I would sit admiring the chaos in the city and sip hot coffee! All I found were overly congested, overly priced old apartments which I had to consider with a handkerchief over my nose. Sorry, Not my cup of coffee! 

I decided to take advantage of my kind-hearted company and occupy the FREE, amazing accommodation at the guest house for a while longer. I've been inhabiting it since. Que Sera Sera, as they say! 

The next on my wishlist is a CAR! Now, now! This has been there on the list staring back at me since I was in 10th Grade. I have finalized and rejected every mid-sized car which is in the market since then. I am determined to check this off my list now because finally I feel a bit stable. So, unless I fu*k up real bad and my boss kicks me out, I'm here to stay a good couple of years. And I know that finally I would choose....*drumrolls*... Swift! 
Good fuel economy, amazing comfort, credible service and fun to drive! 

Apart from all the lists I have, life is fun as usual! I have one of my closest friends here, Ankit. Thats him, with me in the pic below:

So we hang out pretty much every 2nd day at our college favorite hangout/drinking place - Route04:

Yes, using a straw is as much fun as it seems in the pic! 

At an age where we never know which one of our bestie would be seen tying the knot on FB and be unavailable for such random fun then on, its unforgivable to not use the time we have as bachelors/bachelorettes! 

Have lots on my plate right now, but all deliciously mouth watering! 

Looking forward to a great time in Delhi! :D 

Thats all folks! 

Monday, April 21, 2014


Time makes life complicated.

When I was a kid, I felt such burden on my tiny shoulders with all the studying and exams, scoring marks, gaining ranks, competing on stage and at the field! When I grew older, I felt that the pressure which was limited to mummy's scolding has now taken a much deeper source, my future! If I do not score well in my boards, I might not get the subjects of my choice and maybe instead of juggling numbers, I'd be juggling frogs in the bio lab.

A few years hence, I felt the burden had grown threefold. Having the right subjects, if I do not get into the right college, I'd be like any other boy from the neighborhood. Actually no, i take that back, considering it was always the neighborhood boys whom I had to outsmart to keep mum and everyone else happy. Phew!

Well, to get that right engineering college I was expected to rip apart a country wide admission test conducted by the best league of colleges in India - IIT-JEE. The exam happened, ripping happened. Ahem, finally God was kind and there was another exam for souls who were ripped apart by this grand daddy of exams. This test was called AIEEE. I came out of the exam room confident to rank among the top 10,000 students, but all in vain. A few marks here and there and you realize why we need population control in India.

Somehow I managed a decent college with the course I wanted to opt for, but the burden of stress was just getting started with. As if it was teasing me. What I had seen by now was nothing compared to what was to follow. The next target was a job! Among 256 engineering colleges in Hyd, with over 3 lack students studying alongside, we were to hunt jobs in a recession struck market.

I pounced as hard as I could and found myself holing a call letter from Infosys.

If you are expecting a happy ending here, I am sorry you aren't getting one, neither did I.

Someone once told me its good to be ambitious, keeps you on your toes, keeps you focused and asking for more. I sadly took this gentleman's advice and jumped into another rat race, this time for a MBA. Before I could join Infosys, I had my CAT results in my hands. Obviously with probabilities of almost triple the pay package, I skipped the IT firm and went on for the 2 year post graduation course.

Thats when I realized that the 3 lack people in Hyd weren't so bad to compete with. Imagine competing with the top 5% in the country! Well, I yet again pulled up my socks and ran like all the other rats. I did finish well to my surprise! Finally a happy moment! Completed MBA, bagged a heavy package, the peace in the world is restored!

I just missed a slight question which later hit me, very hard. What kind of job? This is frustrating. After you get that feeling of your arrival into the crude world with your flag flying high, you expect a job where everyone treats you such, you are expected to do some very important stuff, be the alpha! In the real world, I was adopted by a Lala! Clueless about my future professionally, it took me 6 months to decide that I needed to change the line of work. The industry as a whole.

Realizing the fact that not all industries were offering such high salaries, and the ones which were, weren't exactly awaiting my arrival, it took me all kinds of ridiculous situations, patience and a great deal of help from friends and family to finally find a break in the relevant industry.

Everything can never be rosy. So I had to take a good slash at my pay package. But with a clearer future, the slash seemed a good trade-off.

Today, I find myself much happier, much content. But still, there is a lot more I want on my plate, a lot more that I expect out of myself, a lot more of going ahead.

Finally its not about stress or burden. Its more about handling it, dealing with it. Our stress, our burden is our state of mind. Every hurdle could either be an inspiration, or be a burden. The choice is always ours.

I choose to get up, get pissed, gear up and ask, Whats Next? How about you? 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Of Vampires and the diaries...

I used to write when I had a thought worth writing about. Self-discovery, speculations, views and what not! This blog was my silent agony aunt. Now, things are different. I open this space whenever I recall that it exists. I write to discover if there is something deep inside of me that wants out.

Time teaches us maturity. It has been a while since I have been trying to define it. Is it exposure, travel, wisdom, us growing up with experiences, facing situations or how we shape ourselves after overcoming them? Every time I end up concluding and settling with a different answer. Now, I might be clueless about what maturity means, but I have figured that whatever it is, time is the only thing that teaches it. Yes, I am so clever!

There always is an ideal 'me' in our minds. The imaginary self which we wish to be. Our heroic self. And then, there is us. The real flesh and bone me. The constant pursuit of reaching that ideal self is mostly life. The problem is, that ideal me changes as we change with time and so the pursuit is never ending. Its a vicious circle! For every step we take, we find ourselves two behind. Basically our ideal self comes with a deadline/expiry date which we always tend to miss.
I really like generalizing my thoughts to everyone's. In my defense, taking this particular case in consideration, if one has that ideal self, constant and stationary, then either he/she is extremely far-sighted or extremely deluded.

I would like to believe that our shifting our ideal self from one level to the next is us getting mature.

On the last Friendships' day, a school mate FB msged me saying he hated me in school just because I was non-vegetarian! And now he realizes how stupid that was. Well, quiet a leap for his ideal self!

Those who know me would know how fond I am of movies, specially horror. These days I have been watching a lot of TV series! Saves me the trouble of looking for new movies every second day! Well, most of these series are either horror having ghosts, werewolves and vampires as heros and heroines! If I were to extend my theory of the ideal me pursuit to Vampires, they should all be Mahatmas! Think about it, living for around 500 odd years, they would be epitomes of self-perfection. This thoughts brings me to realize that the basic ingredient to the pursuit is intent.

Well, having said that I hope everyone in the world at least intends to better themselves. Or do you believe you are all perfect? Are you a vampire? :P

A few days back FB launched 'A look back' video which was a super smash with people with everyone posting their's! Yaay! If I were to meet my 5-years-ago-self, I dont even think we'd connect! And, I am nowhere near to what I would have hoped for myself then! lol... Well, that guy was a dodo! He had no clue.

Ahem, speaking of the past, I fondly remember the moments which were happy then and now make me nostalgic, makes me miss people I've lost or if not lost, have drifted away with time. I wonder how they would have grown to be, if we ever meet again, how would it be like. I wish we wouldn't have to explain, I wish we'd understand. I wish we do meet.

Maybe someday I'd truly understand what maturity is. Maybe someday I realize it doesn't matter. Maybe someday I'd find peace within myself. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014


The mist is in the air. Not just literally, also metaphorically!

Somehow today, again I stand here trying to figure out what the future beholds. SO many ifs and what ifs, so many speculations, expectations, wishes and hopes with the new digit on the calendar.

A few days back I tweeted, that this year I shall act all cool and instead of blogging on the new years' I'll micro-blog. But then, feel si nai aai!

I welcomed the year with a bruised knee and ankle. Hugged half drunk buddies, ate chicken tikka masala, made pinky promises to watch Jai Ho first day first show and finally dozed off on a stranger's bed using his quilt and pillow.

I woke up to realize, that all of it is a state-of-mind. Everything was just the same as it was yesterday, including my knee! Its just the goodwill in the air which makes us smile and believe that we can hit that refresh button, awarding our life a new color. The occasion just acts like an external boost to our will for doing so. Having realized that, wallah! like fairy dust, all the boost is gone!

Look at it the other way, and you dont even need to wait for an occasion to hit refresh! But we'd need another day to be that optimistically positive.

I wish the mist clears, I wish I smell the floral fragrance of clarity, which puts my mind to peace. Amen.